Having someone close to you die is completely life changing.  I feel like a walking cliche even just typing those words.  But cliches do exist for a reason….they are pretty true.  In 2016, my husband died of an accidental heroin overdose at home and needless to say, my life exploded into a million pieces that day. I’ve spent the last two and half years picking up those pieces and trying to put them back together again.  But that puzzle is proving way too hard to do.  I feel like I’m doing one of those puzzles that has 1000 pieces and no picture on the box.  It turns out the pieces of my old life don’t fit together anymore.  I’m slowly and painstakingly putting this puzzle together and an entirely new picture is emerging. Putting this new puzzle together has lead me to experiences and people I would never have dreamed of 2.5 years ago.  As I found my life shifting and changing around me, I made a conscious decision to say yes to new and potentially uncomfortable opportunities that came my way.  I delivered a TEDx talk in October 2018 on how we can save lives in the face of the devastating opioid crisis.  After that talk, I got connected with Dan and Rina, the founders of Speaker Slam and they expressed interest in having me compete on their stage.  Old me instantly thought ‘nope, I can’t do that.  I’m not a *real* speaker.  Thanks, but no thanks’.  But then post death, new me thought ‘let’s do this thing that scares you.  Let’s do this thing that the universe has put in your path for you to grab onto’.  I had survived the 2.5 years since my husband’s death by being open, honest and vulnerable about his death.  This vulnerability had lead me to so many new and wonderful connections.  Speaker Slam was another one of these things that had shown up for me and i couldn’t ignore it’s call, regardless of how scary, new and different it was.

Preparing for and writing my talk was unexpectedly hard.  The topic I was competing on was “Overcoming Adversity” and when I sat down and thought about it, I had no clue how I had ‘overcome’ the nightmare of losing my husband when I was 41, with two young kids at home.  Sobbing hysterically on Father’s day or yelling at my kids in complete and utter exhaustion as a solo mom does not sound like ‘overcoming adversity’! Some days I feel like I’m barely hanging on let alone overcoming anything.  Truth is, you never get over or move on from grief.  You learn to incorporate it into your life.  You make space for it.  But overcome it?  No way.  That’s truthful but probably not very inspiring.  I had to sit and think long and hard about my journey through grief.  How had I moved from the shock, sorrow and numbness of the early days to today?  I’m not only surviving, but some days I’m actually thriving.  I still sob but I also laugh, smile and dance.  The process of writing my speech, condensing it into 6 minutes and practicing endlessly was like a giant grief counselling session.  By the time the competition rolled around, I was wrung out from digging deep into my emotional vault.  I was energized and motivated to share my story, but I was also emotionally spent.  

So I did what I am so good at when grieving….I shopped till I dropped.  Grief shopping is totally a thing.  I fixated on ‘what would I wear?!’  The outfit had to be ‘stage worthy’! But also, comfortable, forgiving to my grief weight (grief eating is also totally a thing!), good at camouflaging nervous, sweat stains as well as able to hold a mic pack.  It was a tall order.  But I persevered and found the perfect outfit.  I also fully acknowledge that my obsession with my outfit was a mis directed channel for my growing anxiety regarding taking the stage.  But hey, knowing is half the battle right?

I spent the week leading up to the event practicing as much as possible.  My cat got SO tired of hearing my speech.  I also made exercise, sleep and meditating a priority in the lead up.  My physical and mental state were paramount in delivering an authentic, poignant talk.  When the actual day arrived, I woke up excited to do this!  The mantra I had created for myself rang out strong and clear in my head.  “You are made to do this.  Kevin (my late husband) is with you.”  I went to a yoga class, got my hair did and felt rested, ready and able.  It was go time.  And before I knew it, it really was.  The mic pack was being attached to my skirt and all of a sudden I was walking towards Rina and Dan standing off to the side of the stage.  Hugs from them and then I was on stage, blinded by brilliant lights but also emboldened to deliver my message.  The practiced words came to me easily (for the most part!) and my story tumbled out of me.  6 minutes was gone in an instant, and then there was applause as well as adrenaline rushing through my body.  I had done it.

Thus my journey to the Stage really amped up. 

I decided to contact Speaker Slam and whoah there was spot for me within a couple of months in the “Love Lessons” theme! I was kept up at night with the deep nudge that dared me to talk about something I had never ever shared publicly... my 8 year infertility journey and giving birth to a healthier version of myself in the process. I cried when I realized that I was not going to talk about something that was less painful. My inner being shot down every other topic I suggested to myself. "Nope... you gotta share the deepest stuff to created the deepest impact.”  

So I finally complied. 

And I am so grateful I did. AND ever since then my soul feels lighter and a bit more healed. Also I know that others have benefited deeply from me telling my story.  

My 3rd place win felt good. I'm not gonna lie.. I did want the top spot... but I promised myself I would rejoice and feel a deep pride in myself just for entering the competition and for my courage to deeply reveal my guts. 

I adore this Speaker Slam community..... It nurtures the part of my soul that no longer is content to just be safe and hidden.. Time to rise and fly and SPEAK!  ​

- Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, RP, CCC, BCPP, RPE
Registered Psychotherapist